Jekyll2019-05-01T14:46:15-05:00https://incumbent.org/incumbent.org Articles - incumbentEssentially Emoryhttps://incumbent.org/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.pngHow to Play the Little Library Game2018-12-23T09:33:00-06:002018-12-23T09:33:00-06:00https://incumbent.org/post/little-library-game <p>There is a game I play with my children when we’re in the car, and it is called <strong><em>Little Library</em></strong>. Depending on where you live or are traveling, this may or may not be an engaging game for you and your own offspring. Most of the time I’m in Iowa City, Iowa<sup id="fnref:iowalit"><a href="#fn:iowalit" class="footnote">1</a></sup>, which is an <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/City_of_Literature">UNESCO City of Literature</a>, and we may have a disproportionate number of Little Libraries<sup id="fnref:wtflittlelibrary"><a href="#fn:wtflittlelibrary" class="footnote">2</a></sup> per household.</p> <p>It’s a pretty simple game and I’ve got a 3 year-old and 6 year-old that I am perpetually playing it with. The general gist of the game is that when you see a Little Library you simply say “Little Library”, and you’re playing already.</p> <h2 id="the-rules-of-little-library">The Rules of Little Library</h2> <p>The game has two stages, and the second stage is an optional way to break ties or otherwise make it more competitive.</p> <h3 id="stage-1">Stage 1</h3> <p>As you are traveling around town, when you see a Little Library, players say “Little Library” and they are awarded one point.</p> <p>You cannot get a point for a Little Library if the little library is behind you. Only if it is still ahead of you or when you’re alongside the little library can you get a point.</p> <p>You may say “<strong><em>Little Library!</em></strong>” as soon as you see a Little Library, but some more competive players like my daughter are quite fond of waiting until the last possible second to say “Little Library” if nobody else in the car has noticed it and called it out yet<sup id="fnref:sneak"><a href="#fn:sneak" class="footnote">3</a></sup>.</p> <p>Everyone can get a point for spotting a little library in Stage 1.</p> <h3 id="stage-2">Stage 2</h3> <p>Optional way to raise the stakes is by transitioning to Stage 2.</p> <p>In Stage 2, the first person to call out a Little Library is the only person that can get a point for it. This eliminates the sneak factor but rewards the players that spot the Little Library before anyone else. It’s a good way to end a tie-breaker or mix it up a bit.</p> <h2 id="other-variations">Other Variations</h2> <p>There are other possible variations on this game by adopting rules from similar games. My mother’s family has a game they play called <em>Zip Horse</em> which is like <em>Little Library</em> but with horses, obviously, and the color of the horse determines the points it was worth to the spotter. One interesting rule of <em>Zip Horse</em> is that if you drive past a cemetary, everyone on that side of the car loses their points. I have been reluctant to adopt a somewhat creepy spooky ruleset for Little Library, however.</p> <hr /> <p>I hope you enjoy Little Library! (<em>little library!</em>) and feel free to let me know if you play it with your own family next time you go for a drive, and if you have any suggestions to improve the game. Please consider that this game should be approachable for young children and not too complicated or upsetting.</p> <hr /> <div class="footnotes"> <ol> <li id="fn:iowalit"> <p><a href="http://www.iowacityofliterature.org">Iowa City of Literature</a> <a href="#fnref:iowalit" class="reversefootnote">↩</a></p> </li> <li id="fn:wtflittlelibrary"> <p>wtf is a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_Free_Library">Little Library</a>? <a href="#fnref:wtflittlelibrary" class="reversefootnote">↩</a></p> </li> <li id="fn:sneak"> <p>She consistently pulls ahead of her brother and I by employing this tactic. A typical morning commute dropping off kids in the morning ends with Prue having 3-4 points and Calvin and I with 1 or 2. <a href="#fnref:sneak" class="reversefootnote">↩</a></p> </li> </ol> </div> <p><a href="https://incumbent.org/post/little-library-game/" rel="nofollow">How to Play the Little Library Game</a> was originally published by <a href="https://incumbent.org/about/" rel="nofollow"></a> on <a href="https://incumbent.org" rel="nofollow">incumbent</a></p> Little Library!So You’ve Got a Cool Kid2016-06-16T00:00:00-05:002016-06-16T00:00:00-05:00https://incumbent.org/coolkids/so-youve-got-a-cool-kid <div class="notice--warning"> <h4>Beware: Falling Serifs</h4> <p><i>This is incomplete but I wanted to get a draft out there to apply pressure on myself to have it not be incomplete. If this leaves you in a lurch, ping me on my <a href="/contact">contact form</a>, and I'll try to help you out.</i></p> <p><i>What follows is an <b>in-progress</b> field guide for parents that have their newborn undergoing hypothermia treatment due to an HIE or related event.</i></p> </div> <aside class="sidebar__right"> <nav class="toc"> <header><h4 class="nav__title"><i class="fa fa-file-text"></i> On This Page</h4></header> <ul class="toc__menu" id="markdown-toc"> <li><a href="#introduction-or-wtf" id="markdown-toc-introduction-or-wtf">Introduction (or: WTF!?)</a> <ul> <li><a href="#you-are-freaking-out-and-thats-ok" id="markdown-toc-you-are-freaking-out-and-thats-ok">You are freaking out, and that’s OK</a> <ul> <li><a href="#something-went-wrong" id="markdown-toc-something-went-wrong">Something Went Wrong</a></li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> <li><a href="#what-theyre-doing" id="markdown-toc-what-theyre-doing">What they’re doing</a></li> <li><a href="#why-theyre-doing-it" id="markdown-toc-why-theyre-doing-it">Why they’re doing it</a> <ul> <li><a href="#blood-tests-and-oxygen-levels" id="markdown-toc-blood-tests-and-oxygen-levels">Blood tests and oxygen levels</a> <ul> <li><a href="#ng-tube" id="markdown-toc-ng-tube">NG tube</a> <ul> <li><a href="#breastfeeding" id="markdown-toc-breastfeeding">Breastfeeding</a></li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> <li><a href="#things-to-start-recording-and-tracking" id="markdown-toc-things-to-start-recording-and-tracking">Things to start recording and tracking</a> <ul> <li><a href="#what-to-expect-for-72-hours" id="markdown-toc-what-to-expect-for-72-hours">What to expect for 72 hours</a></li> </ul> </li> <li><a href="#nicu" id="markdown-toc-nicu">NICU</a> <ul> <li><a href="#the-nurses" id="markdown-toc-the-nurses">The Nurses</a> <ul> <li><a href="#you-will-hear-many-opinions-and-diagnostic-data" id="markdown-toc-you-will-hear-many-opinions-and-diagnostic-data">You will hear many opinions and diagnostic data</a></li> <li><a href="#what-they-said-and-who-said-it" id="markdown-toc-what-they-said-and-who-said-it">What they said and who said it</a> <ul> <li><a href="#questions-to-ask-doctors" id="markdown-toc-questions-to-ask-doctors">Questions to ask doctors</a></li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> <li><a href="#is-everything-going-to-be-ok" id="markdown-toc-is-everything-going-to-be-ok">Is everything going to be OK?</a> <ul> <li><a href="#possible-outcomes" id="markdown-toc-possible-outcomes">Possible Outcomes</a></li> </ul> </li> <li><a href="#todo" id="markdown-toc-todo">Todo:</a> <ul> <li><a href="#what-to-do-instead-of-totally-freaking-out" id="markdown-toc-what-to-do-instead-of-totally-freaking-out">What to do instead of totally freaking out</a></li> <li><a href="#get-supported" id="markdown-toc-get-supported">Get Supported</a> <ul> <li><a href="#free-your-mind-up-for-immediate-things" id="markdown-toc-free-your-mind-up-for-immediate-things">Free your mind up for immediate things</a></li> <li><a href="#what-to-worry-about" id="markdown-toc-what-to-worry-about">What to worry about</a></li> <li><a href="#what-to-not-worry-about" id="markdown-toc-what-to-not-worry-about">What to not worry about</a></li> </ul> </li> <li><a href="#warming" id="markdown-toc-warming">Warming</a> <ul> <li><a href="#landmarks-for-warming-up" id="markdown-toc-landmarks-for-warming-up">Landmarks for warming up</a></li> <li><a href="#neurological-exams-and-mri" id="markdown-toc-neurological-exams-and-mri">Neurological exams and MRI</a> <ul> <li><a href="#big-grains-of-salt" id="markdown-toc-big-grains-of-salt">Big grains of salt</a> <ul> <li><a href="#follow-through" id="markdown-toc-follow-through">Follow-through</a></li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> </ul> </nav> </aside> <h1 id="introduction-or-wtf">Introduction (or: WTF!?)</h1> <p>This is going to assume that very recently your newborn was put into the NICU, and that the medical staff are following <em>hypothermia protocols</em>. During birth something went wrong, and now you’ve heard a lot of terminology and met a dozen new doctors you didn’t expect to ever meet and it feels like the ground just fell out from under you and every time you are nearly back on your feet, it all goes sideways again.</p> <p>I’ve been there. It’s a special kind of hell and I can’t give any medical advice or tell you everything is going to be fine; but what I <em>can</em> do is hold a flashlight for you and aim it at the things I had to learn about shortly after 4am on July 27, 2015. I’m not an expert or a doctor, I’ve just had to find my way in the midst of the chaos you’ve discovered for yourself.</p> <p>Because I’m not a doctor a lot of what follows will be largely anecdotal and consist of my experience in a University Research Hospital in the United States. The therapy and protocols discussed in this guide have been used there for a few years and the staff all the way on down the line is familiar with it and has considerable expertise. When doing research on my own to further understand what was going on, the resources and studies I found were very difficult to wrap my head around at times, and anything I write about them here is very much a distilled and simplified version, and the inferences and conclusions I come to may well be entirely unscientific. <strong>I’m an engineer, not a scientist.</strong></p> <h2 id="you-are-freaking-out-and-thats-ok">You are freaking out, and that’s OK</h2> <p>This whole experience is going to push your emotional boundaries and make you confront a lot of things you are afraid of. I know in the midst of it all it doesn’t matter that other people have been through similar experiences, but it helps you later. Promise.</p> <h3 id="something-went-wrong">Something Went Wrong</h3> <p>An HIE is <em>hypoxic-ischemic encephalopathy</em>, which is sometimes called <em>Perinatal asphyxia</em> as well (especially in older literature prior to the last decade). It is a diagnosis given when there is laboratory and clinical evidence of brain injury due to asphyxia<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote">1</a></sup>.</p> <p>There are several ways this can occur, but ultimately this means that your baby wasn’t getting enough oxygen for a certain amount of time. There are several causes for this ranging in severity, but the result that got us here was probably resuscitation and other intervening measures to ensure your baby was able to breathe properly and get oxygen.</p> <p>There are some checks and tests that doctors perform to assess the overall health of babies upon birth. They evaluate physical responses and movement, observation of color changes in skin, reactions to stimuli like bright lights and reflexive responses. Based on those observations and classifications they suspected an <em>HIE</em>, which probably resulted in laboratory tests that confirm their suspicions.</p> <p>Those lab tests involve sampling blood from the umbilical cord and your newborn, and calculating the various deficits in the chemical composition of the blood such as the <em>ph level</em>, which they may often refer to as <em>blood gases</em>. When the ph level of the blood is abnormal, high school chemistry tells us that’s because it’s more <em>basic</em> or more <em>acidic</em>. This gives more clues for the medical team to act on.</p> <div class="notice--warning"> <h4>Expertise Warning</h4> <p>I have no experience with Severe.</p> </div> <p>There are three-to-four severity classifications of HIE events that are commonly used. Most research I read uses three, but some prefer a more well-defined group between Mild and Moderate.</p> <ul> <li>Mild <ul> <li>Mild/Moderate</li> </ul> </li> <li>Moderate</li> <li>Severe</li> </ul> <h1 id="what-theyre-doing">What they’re doing</h1> <p>They’re using <strong>hypothermia treatment protocols</strong> to lower the temperature of your newborn’s brain. This is the most advanced and effective treatment available to you to potentially mitigate further complications.</p> <p>They are going to keep the body temperature of your newborn to around 33°C. They will probably be using a cooling mat or a cap surrounding the head.</p> <figure> <a href="/assets/images/coolkids/coolkids-calvin-mat.jpg" class="fancybox" rel="gallery"> <img src="/assets/images/coolkids/coolkids-calvin-mat.jpg" alt="" /></a> <figcaption>Regular around-the-clock monitoring and observation during this treatment.</figcaption> </figure> <p>Possible seizure activity is being monitored with an <em>EEG</em>, which results in a spiderweb of little wires all over the place. They correlate this activity with other collected data and observation by medical staff.</p> <p>Since babies don’t like to be cold, they can get really wound up over it. Your newborn may also be intubated or require other assistance which involves more tubes and machines that also are very stressful and frustrating for babies. Because of this, they may administer a sedative to calm the baby down and this makes them sleep a lot and be a little sluggish. There will be periods of time where they get all cranky and as long as that’s when something babies get cranky about, like needing to be changed, it’s a positive sign.</p> <p>You wouldn’t want a bunch of nonsense glued to your head while you sat in a wet pair of shorts either.</p> <p>It’s likely that once the warming protocol begins they’ll start to figure out if the infant needs sedation anymore, or if they can administer lower doses. It takes a little while to be fully clear of it so your baby may seem a little checked out most of the time especially in hypo, so don’t let it steer you away from positive thinking. Think of it as <em>cryo-sleep</em>.</p> <figure> <a href="/assets/images/coolkids/coolkids-liz-calvin-color.jpg" class="fancybox" rel="gallery"> <img src="/assets/images/coolkids/coolkids-liz-calvin-color.jpg" alt="" /></a> <figcaption>Liz and Calvin in the UIHC NICU.</figcaption> </figure> <h1 id="why-theyre-doing-it">Why they’re doing it</h1> <p>Because if they don’t, horrible things will continue to happen. There are a range of conditions that can result of an HIE ranging in severity. They aren’t directly correlated to the severity of the HIE event but do somewhat correlate with the response to hypothermia treatment and how the brain reacts during the first 72 hours and the warming period of the protocols.</p> <p><strong>In cases of likely brain injury, scientists have found that inducing hypothermia within six hours of birth improves outcomes.</strong> When deprived of oxygen, the body begins looking for energy wherever it is available. It will detonate those cells and release that energy to be used elsewhere. In terms of concentration of cells and pure mass, the brains of infants are the largest source of potential energy so that’s where the the best source of this energy is, and at the same time, it’s the most dangerous place to get it.</p> <p>Those cells then degrade and release cellular instructions to the surrounding cells as they die, (<em>“they will need more energy soon, so go ahead and start blowing up!”</em>) and <strong>this process can be halted and altered by lowering the body temperature</strong>:</p> <blockquote> <p>“Clinical and experimental studies have demonstrated that neuronal death occurs in two phases following a reversible hypoxic-ischaemic global insult.” “Therefore, a therapeutic ’window of opportunity’ exists in the interval following resuscitation of the asphyxiated newborn before the secondary phase of impaired energy metabolism and injury.” — (Gluckman 1992; Lorek 1994; Penrice 1996)<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote">2</a></sup></p> </blockquote> <p>Essentially, they’re chilling your newborn to protect the brain and give it another start. The goal is to allow the brain to reboot and restore before the secondary degradation of cells is underway. <strong>It’s why you read about sledding or ice-fishing accidents where people are getting pulled out of the river after being trapped under ice, and miraculously recovering.</strong></p> <figure> <a href="/assets/images/coolkids/calvin-in-hypo.jpg" class="fancybox" rel="gallery"> <img src="/assets/images/coolkids/calvin-in-hypo.jpg" alt="" /></a> <figcaption>Ice, ice baby.</figcaption> </figure> <h2 id="blood-tests-and-oxygen-levels">Blood tests and oxygen levels</h2> <p>Medical staff will regularly measure levels of the aforementioned blood gases because they’re worried about lactic alkalosis and other complications. This information helps them determine likely outcomes and interventions to do an end-run around anything on the horizon. They’re already ahead of the curve by doing the hypothermia treatment so they have a good window to fully assess likely outcomes.</p> <h3 id="ng-tube">NG tube</h3> <p>There is probably a tiny tube in the nose, to allow food and medicine to be delivered to the stomach, and to remove contents from the stomach easily. This procedure is called Nasogastric Intubation and is referred to as an <em>NG tube</em>.</p> <p>Early on, they feed nutrients and fats via an IV and gradually start switching them to NG, even though NG is there to facilitate it later.</p> <h4 id="breastfeeding">Breastfeeding</h4> <p>If you intend to breastfeed, it is a good idea to be pumping as soon as you can. The nurses in NICU can deliver your milk via the NG tube when available. Eventually you’ll be able to give it a try through less medical means. It will be amazing.</p> <h1 id="things-to-start-recording-and-tracking">Things to start recording and tracking</h1> <p>Aside from the obviously New Baby Measurements of weight and length, you may want to keep a timeline of everything as best you can. This includes numerics like what the blood ph levels are, the cord blood ph, oxygen levels; and if you hear a time or number or an <em>APGAR</em> score, make a note of it and record the date and time you heard it. This was helpful for me to know how things were trending later, but may be meaningless for you. If you like to track metrics, these are your metrics.</p> <p>If you don’t remember what they were at birth and you want that information, you can ask for it. I was furiously scribbling down everything that was said after Calvin was resuscitated. As the ph normalized throughout hypo, I found those digits reassuring.</p> <h2 id="what-to-expect-for-72-hours">What to expect for 72 hours</h2> <p>Could be busy, could be quiet. The less seizure activity recorded and observed the better. Stay in touch with the NICU and they’ll keep you apprised of the situation and anything they overheard or were instructed by the doctors.</p> <p>If you have questions about any of it, make a note of them and try to catch the teams on rounds in the morning, and you’ll get looped in on the specifics as much as you want.</p> <p>In our case, Calvin had one brief moment that may have been a seizure, but it wasn’t sustained and lasted seconds rather than minutes. The more severe this activity is, the more complicated the prognosis will be.</p> <h1 id="nicu">NICU</h1> <p>The NICU is where you’ll likely camp out and/or treat as the center of your universe for the time being.</p> <h2 id="the-nurses">The Nurses</h2> <p><strong>The NICU nurses are your most important ally.</strong> They love babies and they apparently don’t mind crazy parents that can’t sleep. Speaking of which, if you’re at home in bed and can’t sleep; call the NICU and ask for the nurse assigned to your newborn. They’ll tell you everything that has happened since you last called or visited.</p> <h3 id="you-will-hear-many-opinions-and-diagnostic-data">You will hear many opinions and diagnostic data</h3> <p>While your baby is being observed and assessed by medical staff, doctors and nurses will make comments about responsiveness of their patient, or things that are medically interesting to them. <em>Don’t panic</em> over this sort of thing, but <em>make a note</em> of anything you want to know about later. Let them do their thing and be available to answer their questions if they have any.</p> <p>Please be aware that they will be managing your expectations heavily, and if you start asking questions like “Is my baby going to be OK”, you are asking a very loaded question that they can’t answer. They want to tell you that — that is their best case scenario, after all. But they don’t know the answer to that question. Asking different questions helps and doesn’t put them in a very awkward positions; “Is my baby going to be OK?” is impossible to answer, but “Is my baby’s condition improving?” is better. I went so far as to ask “Are you optimistic” a few times knowing it was close to impossible to answer, but I was desperate for something reassuring at times.</p> <p>Ask what you want to ask, but don’t be disappointed or fear the worst when you didn’t ask a question they could answer the way you had hoped.</p> <h3 id="what-they-said-and-who-said-it">What they said and who said it</h3> <p>My notes often had margins like <em>NEURO</em> for Neurologist, <em>NEO</em> for Neonatologist, and <em>RN</em> for nurses.</p> <p>It helps to sort out each team in your notes because they’re all on the same team but have different focus and what one finds interesting another may find mundane. This was another thing very helpful for me to have access to in subsequent discussions with other groups, especially when they may not be on the same page. I couldn’t keep track of all the names, and I’ll confess that I have some notes attributed to <em>Dr. Jolly</em> who was a very friendly and kind-hearted Neonatologist; and I also may have had others attributed to <em>Dr. Doom</em>, the Neurologist.</p> <h4 id="questions-to-ask-doctors">Questions to ask doctors</h4> <p>You can ask anything you want but do remember that they’ll be managing your expectations. I read a lot into non-verbal cues because of that. I asked if the treatment was working as intended and if they were still following the proposed protocol for hypothermia. Later I’d ask about feeding schedules and vitals and refresh my notes on the results they would tell me.</p> <h1 id="is-everything-going-to-be-ok">Is everything going to be OK?</h1> <p>Hard to imagine it could be, isn’t it? I want to remind you right off the bat that you’re doing the one thing that has the best chance of improving the long-term health and wellness of your newborn. It’s hard to discern the percentages from the studies because the specifics of each case may be different — it’s hard to imagine a situation where two births are completely identical and there are too many factors that influence the outcome in any situation, much less a complicated birth like yours.</p> <p>It is also important to know that medical researchers and doctors rarely conduct tests like an MRI on routine births. I don’t know that cord blood ph is analyzed as a matter of course either unless the medical staff suspects there is an issue there, so if you go looking for raw data in medical trials and studies, be careful with comparing your situation to others if you don’t have the medical research background that can account for this sort of thing without being so close to it!</p> <p>Reading through all the data I would find myself soothed one moment and in a state of panic the next. One of the trials I was reading about was halted mid-way through, and when I followed that thread for a while to find out why, the study in question was stopped because the results they were getting were so positive that they had questions about the ethics in continuing to treat newborns any other way. When reading about outcomes at 3 months, and so on, one of the columns in the chart was <em>death</em>. After the initial shock of this wore off I chased down that dark alley to find that in all the cases from that study where the newborn died it was due to ending life support. I can’t imagine what that would be like, and any parent that has been told their newborn has suffered a <em>Severe</em> HIE will need more support and guidance than I can possibly provide.</p> <h2 id="possible-outcomes">Possible Outcomes</h2> <p>This is the rough stuff. The likely outcomes for your newborn include a perfectly routine typical childhood and adult life with no complications due to this incident. The other outcomes include learning disabilities, cerebral palsy, mental and cognitive impairments, and other disabilities.</p> <p>You should know right now that you won’t know definitively for a few years. This can easily escalate into over-analyzing every behavior or milestone. Calvin is a really laid-back kid, almost a year old at this point. He’s generally very agreeable and happy and pretty content compared to his older sister! There are times I wonder if his behavior and beginnings of his <em>personality</em> are symptoms or indications of something more sinister. I have to bat those distractions away or they’ll eat me alive, and it’s much more gratifying to love the little monkey and not wonder why he’s so happy to see me.</p> <hr /> <h1 id="todo">Todo:</h1> <h2 id="what-to-do-instead-of-totally-freaking-out">What to do instead of totally freaking out</h2> <ul> <li>Establish communications channels for family/friends/colleagues</li> <li>Maintain routines for other children in your household</li> <li>Make sure you are hydrated and resting</li> </ul> <h2 id="get-supported">Get Supported</h2> <p>Make sure emotionally you are supported and that your obligations and perceived obligations to others are addressed</p> <ul> <li>Accept help</li> <li>Contact colleagues and friends <ul> <li>Ask for stories about positive outcomes from scary births</li> </ul> </li> </ul> <h3 id="free-your-mind-up-for-immediate-things">Free your mind up for immediate things</h3> <p>You’ve got a lot on your plate.</p> <h3 id="what-to-worry-about">What to worry about</h3> <p>tbd</p> <h3 id="what-to-not-worry-about">What to not worry about</h3> <p>tbd</p> <h2 id="warming">Warming</h2> <p>tbd</p> <h3 id="landmarks-for-warming-up">Landmarks for warming up</h3> <p>tbd</p> <h3 id="neurological-exams-and-mri">Neurological exams and MRI</h3> <p>tbd</p> <h4 id="big-grains-of-salt">Big grains of salt</h4> <p>tbd</p> <h6 id="follow-through">Follow-through</h6> <p>tbd</p> <hr /> <div class="footnotes"> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>A condition arising when the body is deprived of oxygen, causing unconsciousness or death; suffocation. <a href="#fnref:1" class="reversefootnote">↩</a></p> </li> <li id="fn:2"> <p><a href="http://apps.who.int/rhl/reviews/CD003311.pdf" title="Cooling for newborns with hypoxic ischaemic encephalopathy (Review)">Cooling for newborns with hypoxic ischaemic encephalopathy (Review) (PDF)</a> <a href="#fnref:2" class="reversefootnote">↩</a></p> </li> </ol> </div> <p><a href="https://incumbent.org/coolkids/index.html" rel="nofollow">So You've Got a Cool Kid</a> was originally published by <a href="https://incumbent.org/about/" rel="nofollow"></a> on <a href="https://incumbent.org" rel="nofollow">incumbent</a></p> An in-progress field guide for parents that have their newborn undergoing hypothermia treatment due to an HIE or related event.Seconds2016-01-25T00:00:00-06:002016-01-25T00:00:00-06:00https://incumbent.org/post/seconds <h2 id="olneyville-providence-ri-2009">Olneyville, Providence, RI, 2009</h2> <h3 id="i-found-it-very-difficult-to-make-sense-of-the-situation-i-was-in">I found it very difficult to make sense of the situation I was in.</h3> <p>I was woken up by a strange noise. My brain, in a cold start on a hot summer night, took a few moments to understand what was happening. The screen from our bedroom window was on the floor. There were unfamiliar noises coming from the living room.</p> <p>I tried to breathe and listen to the darkness, slowly and quietly, while opening the bedside vault. I dialed <code class="highlighter-rouge">911</code> on my phone, hit <code class="highlighter-rouge">Send</code>, and padded my way toward the living room as quietly as I could, making my way down the hallway toward what I hoped was a wild animal or even an intoxicated neighbor needing to be reoriented.</p> <p>Our loft apartment in Olneyville was on the ground floor, and had beautiful large windows that opened horizontally, like the flaps on an airplane wing. Our home had polished concrete floors and the highest ceilings I’ve ever seen. That night, my voice seemed impossibly loud in spite of my efforts, and echoed across the ceiling as I aimed my Sig Sauer semi-automatic pistol at the head of the silhouette fumbling with my windows.</p> <p>It was a misshapen and ghoulish shadow irregularly lit by passing cars and hidden by window-blinds. It froze for what seemed like an eternity when I calmly chambered a round<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote">1</a></sup> and announced my intention to shoot the back of its head out into the courtyard if it set one foot inside my home.</p> <h3 id="i-had-been-told-often-enough-that-when-seconds-count-the-police-are-mere-minutes-away">I had been told often enough that when seconds count, the Police are mere minutes away.</h3> <p>My phone call to <code class="highlighter-rouge">911</code> was instantly handed off to an area dispatch unit based on my calling area. I hadn’t actually said much to the operator up to this point, but I wanted them to be able to hear what was happening. I had set the phone down next to me on my cat’s carpeted tower behind the sofa, and I heard dispatch reacting to my revelation that I was armed and threatening force. This was a significant piece of information for the Providence Police. The man on the phone sounded suddenly frantic, like this wasn’t something he had ever encountered before. I imagined him flipping pages in a procedure guide, trying to find the right thing to say to me.</p> <p>So there I was. The portrayal of the rugged, noble, freedom-loving libertarian protecting his homestead is usually more inspiring than the reality of me, standing in my living room in a t-shirt and underwear. The <code class="highlighter-rouge">911</code> dispatcher repeating “sir? sir?” into the empty room and me aiming a pistol, ready to fire. It was at that moment that I had a sudden resentment for the entire situation from an unexpected part of my mind–I wasn’t upset about the person breaking into my apartment, I was angry with the <strong><em>middle-of-the-fucking-night immediate decision forced on me:</em></strong> I may kill someone, on purpose.</p> <p>Will I be able to look them in the eye? Their family? Is this the right thing to do? Are they even armed? How many people are out there? It was something I always thought I would have time to think about, or would be able to ascertain easily in the moment. It was certainly not something that I ever thought I’d need to figure out in seconds and live with before the sun comes up.</p> <h3 id="over-the-years-ive-been-told-to-always-that-the-best-response-was-to-quickly-react-to-protect-myself-my-family">Over the years I’ve been told to always that the best response was to quickly react to protect myself, my family.</h3> <p>I’ve been told that I have the right to use deadly force to protect myself and my household from violence, and that it’s <em>“better to be judged by twelve than carried by six,”</em> and that anyone who shoots an intruder is <em>doing the world a favor</em> by ending a life that would never be missed. <strong><em>I also heard, and believe, that opting not to shoot the intruder increases the odds of myself or a member of my household being shot with my own weapon.</em></strong></p> <p>I’d already announced that I would shoot, <em>but I started to negotiate with myself</em>. I decided if they came into the apartment, and clearly saw me aiming a gun at them and didn’t move, I’d hold them at gunpoint until the police arrived. If they saw I was armed and talking to the police, and they made a move toward me, I would feel confident pulling the trigger. I even drew an imaginary line through the 12-foot square of our loft we had designated <em>The Dining Room</em>.</p> <p>The other thing I had to think about was what was behind the intruder. There was a courtyard with a high wall and a locking gate, which they must have climbed over to get here. Across the way were offices that weren’t very likely to have people in them at this hour, so in the unlikely event that I missed my target–at thirty feet with no distractions and my marksmanship this wasn’t likely a problem–the chance of injuring someone else in the path was minimal. <strong>It was one of the best possible scenarios for using deadly force: a clear path beyond the target, a short distance, and on my home turf if something went wrong.</strong> Police dispatch was eavesdropping and recording my call for my upcoming trial for manslaughter or attempted murder or perhaps the civil suit brought against me by my intruder’s family in their grief, the sad tragedy of their family member being shot by a trigger-happy cowboy being too much to bear without some compensation or punishment beyond what I knew I would carry with me for the rest of my life on this planet.</p> <p><em>So I was angry.</em> I was <strong><em>angry</em></strong> that I had these absurd anxious thoughts, <em>these imaginary lines and limits</em> on how far I would be pushed in my own home before I felt justified to kill someone. <strong>That I was calculating the chances of a missed shot ricocheting off the brick and landing in someone’s head upstairs.</strong> I was <em>angry</em> that I was glad they were still outside the apartment and not standing in my living room, where a missed shot would penetrate the wall behind them and risk cruising into the head or heart of one of the nice neighbors on my floor, who were not nearly as annoying as the argumentative angry-sexing alcoholics upstairs.</p> <h3 id="finally-time-snapped-back-into-place">Finally time snapped back into place.</h3> <p>The intruding shadow’s limbs pulled back from the window, and I thought I heard them run off. I assumed they scaled the wall and ran down the street or into an alley, but I didn’t want to risk sticking my head out the window to get hit with a tire iron. I picked up the phone again, promptly described myself to the dispatcher. I ejected the magazine from my pistol and cleared the chamber as I had done countless times before at a firing range. I had successfully rendered the simple machine impotent.</p> <p>The sound of silence in the room loudly broke with the sound of one round of Gold Dot 9mm hollow point spinning like a lazy quarter, rolling away from my bare feet on the polished floor.</p> <p>I was <strong><em>relieved</em></strong>. Not that it was over, and not that the police would soon be there–I was relieved that I didn’t shoot someone. And I was truly ashamed that I’d thought I was ready to do precisely that before being in this situation, because I was naive and didn’t expect it to be so complicated.</p> <p>Years later I still don’t know if I’m any more prepared for it, and I don’t believe it’s something I can ever know unless I am in that tragic situation again. The circumstances would be different, so there is no way to have a consistent frame of reference or perspective and all of my attempts to do so are exercises in futility.</p> <h3 id="i-woke-my-wife">I woke my wife</h3> <p>I had let my wife<sup id="fnref:3"><a href="#fn:3" class="footnote">2</a></sup> sleep through this entire ordeal. She didn’t wake in the beginning and she was in the safest room in our home: the most removed and near an emergency exit. In hindsight it was still the best decision to make because if things had gone differently, I wouldn’t have wanted her to see it and relive it the way I would have to. Part of me is afraid that she’d never be able to look at me the same way again if she witnessed me kill another human being while standing in my underwear like Tony Soprano walking down the driveway to pick up the morning newspaper.</p> <h3 id="the-police-arrived">The police arrived.</h3> <p>They were professional, courteous, and thorough. They had a suspect in mind but I couldn’t provide an identification so I wasn’t much help. They dusted the windowsills for prints the following day, after it rained. I have no idea if they ever apprehended a suspect or if they’re still popping out windows all over Olneyville. The suspect allegedly climbed into a business through a chimney and robbed the joint, which indicated to me that they believed my intruder was a teenager.</p> <h3 id="seconds">Seconds</h3> <p>I believe the Second Amendment was written to ensure states or cities would be permitted to maintain a trained militia. I don’t believe it was written to ensure random citizens could stockpile weapons. <strong>I don’t believe the Second Amendment is immutable and I believe that even if the intent of the authors of that document was to allow any random citizen to stockpile weapons that the vast majority of citizens have no interest in owning weapons and that we are likely in precisely the situation they would have wanted to avoid:</strong> a select minority of armed n’er-do-wells living with a defenseless populace. We aren’t Switzerland; we have no compulsory training and mandate to maintain our well-regulated militia. We aren’t even a nation like Israel with mandatory military service.</p> <p>We are instead a nation of disinterested voters, content to let loud-mouthed and scared self-appointed mercenaries of freedom dictate how to best protect the country’s interests and promote the general welfare. By the numbers, Americans don’t support the NRA’s refusal to engage in anything that could possibly alter consumer access to guns, yet we don’t act on that and remove their politicians they financially support out of office. Our unwillingness or inability to tell them they’re not acting on our behalf only further fuels their suspicion that liberty hinges on the stooped shoulders of their customers as our nation’s last line of defense against whatever tyranny they’ve bravely been fighting on your behalf.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote">3</a></sup></p> <p>I am unwilling to put myself and my own ideology first if it is in opposition to protecting my country. I also believe the status quo is completely unacceptable and I firmly believe that the firearm lobby has been holding a gun to the head of every member of Congress and successfully rebranded their marketing materials as patriotism. It is a travesty, truly, that their hostage-taking is essentially unchallenged, and that even while a considerable number of their own membership is advocating for stricter controls on access to guns they set their crosshairs on opposition candidates and make their rebranded patriotism the sole issue, execute another prisoner, and then have the audacity to demand Americans pay even more.</p> <p>I still own a firearm. I think I’m like most gun owners in this country and that my care and conscience are not unusual. I think it’s well past time for all of us to stop watching this circle the drain into absurdity day after day and start acting like we are part of a society that looks out for each other.</p> <p>Expecting more from ourselves and each other may mean we have to go through a more rigorous screening process for purchases. It may mean allowing research into gun violence with public money and it may mean a few gun dealers that cannot comply with conducting background checks and keeping proper documentation go out of business. It may mean that a lobbying organization can no longer sustain itself in the face of a public that doesn’t want their product without their constant drum banging.</p> <p>If all those things come to pass, I still don’t see the problem. We’d be doing the world a favor.</p> <hr /> <div class="footnotes"> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>Leaving me with seven more chances. <a href="#fnref:1" class="reversefootnote">↩</a></p> </li> <li id="fn:3"> <p>No longer my wife, as of January 17, 2018. <a href="#fnref:3" class="reversefootnote">↩</a></p> </li> <li id="fn:2"> <p>Recent news dictates this may be health insurance, federal land grazing laws, or women. <a href="#fnref:2" class="reversefootnote">↩</a></p> </li> </ol> </div> <p><a href="https://incumbent.org/post/seconds/" rel="nofollow">Seconds</a> was originally published by <a href="https://incumbent.org/about/" rel="nofollow"></a> on <a href="https://incumbent.org" rel="nofollow">incumbent</a></p> The portrayal of the rugged, noble, freedom-loving libertarian protecting his homestead is usually more inspiring than the reality of me, standing in my living room in a t-shirt and underwear.Weep Not for the Detached Garage2016-01-07T00:00:00-06:002016-01-07T00:00:00-06:00https://incumbent.org/post/weep-not <p>Sometimes I see a look of disappointment when someone notices the detached garage at my family’s new home.</p> <p>What they undoubtedly are unaware of is that ever since I was a young man in Junior High, the unexpected whir of a garage door opening has about a 70% chance of inducing a panic attack that requires an exercise of meditation and rapidly talking myself down, or swalling benzos, to remove the onset of anxiety that can end up knocking the wind out of me.</p> <p>The short version is that there was a high probability that the garage door rolling up beneath my feet meant that my mother’s husband had come home. Anyone in the house at that moment would noticeably bristle and prepare themselves. And now, 20 years later, that feeling of dread and waves of stress from anxiously analyzing the long list of things he could be angry about echos in my emotional muscle memory. His arrival could result in anything from being grounded for a week to far more dire consequences for myself or my mother because of something I didn’t do to his satisfaction as <em>Lord Dickbag, Knight of the Lazyboy.</em></p> <p>It has always tweaked my spouse that I wanted to know when I should expect her home. It tweaked me, too, and slowly I began putting it together that my brain vastly prefers looking forward to the whir and grind of a garage door, rather than having it spontaneously lurch to life.</p> <p>G-d bless the souls of the architects and builders of my home; the design decisions they made are not only aeshetically appreciated, but they will give me time to heal through those wounds without a constant and grinding reminder of something I once feared. My new home is safe and filled with love. That detached garage ensures that I will never have that association of their arrival with tension and anxiety by distant proxy. I hear nothing but footsteps and laughter and I know I am reunited with the people I love.</p> <p><a href="https://incumbent.org/post/weep-not/" rel="nofollow">Weep Not for the Detached Garage</a> was originally published by <a href="https://incumbent.org/about/" rel="nofollow"></a> on <a href="https://incumbent.org" rel="nofollow">incumbent</a></p> Sometimes I see a look of disappointment when someone notices the detached garage at my family’s new home.Our Family’s Bamboula2013-09-03T00:00:00-05:002013-09-03T00:00:00-05:00https://incumbent.org/post/our-bamboula <p>I’m embarrassed because I intended to write this over a year ago <em>(this post was created on 2013-09-03)</em>, but it was very important to me that I properly convey the gratitude, respect and admiration of someone that my wife[^exwife] and I had on our team during the birth of our daughter.</p> <h1 id="doulas">Doulas</h1> <blockquote> <p>doula: n. a woman who is trained to assist another woman during childbirth, and who may provide support to the family after the baby is born.</p> </blockquote> <p>When my wife was pregnant with our daughter, we came to the decision to have a doula with us during delivery. I wasn’t really excited about it at first, but I very quickly saw numerous benefits to working with one. In particular, our doula: <a href="http://www.bamboobirth.com/" title="Bamboo Birth Services homepage and information">Jun-Nicole Matsushita</a> and her practice: <a href="http://www.bamboobirth.com/" title="Bamboo Birth Services homepage and information">Bamboo Birth Services</a>. I wanted to write about why we made that decision, and to give a very strong endorsement of Jun-Nicole and the service she provides.</p> <h2 id="why-a-doula">Why a Doula?</h2> <p>Liz had many anxieties about the arrival of our daughter, mostly centered around hospital births, her perceptions of medical interventions, and not being confident that the medical staff at our local hospital were going to be supportive of my her wishes for a natural childbirth. Perhaps equally anxiety-inducing was Liz knowing that I was likely to fold like a house of cards in the heat of the moment, if it was clear she was uncomfortable and someone suggested she would be more comfortable if they could give her an epidural.</p> <p>Neither of us wanted to experience the birth as it is commonly portrayed on television: sterile, scientific, and as procedural as an assembly line; the mother strapped to a table and the father irrelevant. Visits with the midwives and nurses at the <a href="http://www.uihealthcare.org/womenshealth/" title="Women's Health Clinic at UIHC">University of Iowa Hospitals & Clinics Women’s Health Clinic</a> were positive but fairly limited. Liz’s pregnancy was low-risk and proceeded as expected, and of course that’s <em>exactly what we wanted</em>, but it meant that even though everything was brand new for us, it was completely routine for everyone else.</p> <p>The midwives reassured us that our wishes for the birth would be respected as much as possible, but there wasn’t a dedicated time to go over those wishes in our many 15 minute visits. We didn’t see a lot of opportunities between tests, scans, and paperwork for us to establish our values and wishes with the people who would be involved when the day came. We often felt like we needed someone who could advocate for us, and who would be invested in the birth of our daughter in a way that the medical staff could not be.</p> <p>We had briefly discussed having a doula a couple of times, but it wasn’t a profession I knew much about and I was somewhat skeptical. Sometimes it was in the context of a home birth instead of a hospital birth, and I found that proposal almost as anxiety-inducing as the prospect of a hospital birth was for Liz! As we talked through our options, we decided Liz really needed someone present at the birth who we trusted, who was experienced and knowledgeable, who would work with us over an extended period of time, and who would <strong>have our backs</strong>. She was confident a doula could help her and help us have the best possible outcome and she quickly put together a list of doula recommendations.</p> <h2 id="the-community-of-doulas-in-iowa-city">The community of doulas in Iowa City</h2> <p>We had our first interview with Jun-Nicole a week later, to get to know each other and get an idea of our respective personalities, and to assess our expectations, goals, and values. One thing I wasn’t expecting to learn was that the doulas in Iowa City know each other and many of them back each other up in case of last-minute changes or emergency situations that call them away from a birth. Having a community and network like this was very reassuring. I don’t know why it surprised me, it is very much in their best interests to support each other as a community. This gives clients some uniformity in the services provided and also reduces the anxiety of putting your birth on one individual working alone.</p> <p>Expectation management is a large part of what Jun-Nicole did for us: while some people will talk about your Birth Plan like it’s an immutable document, in many circumstances that is setting yourself up for disappointment and feeling like somehow there has been a failure. There are innumerable opportunities for things to deviate from the ideal course of events, and if you aren’t able to roll with them and quickly make decisions they could be made for you. Jun-Nicole was careful always to refer to our ideal birth as our <em>“Birth Wishes”</em> rather than our <em>“birth plan.”</em> She evaluated Liz’s tolerance for interventions and optional medical treatments, and she ensured we knew what was likely going to be non-negotiable, and under what circumstances those interventions can occur. It turns out, we didn’t really have to compromise on much of anything with the midwives at the Clinic.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote">1</a></sup></p> <h2 id="its-who-you-know">It’s who you know</h2> <p>I’m not saying we wouldn’t have had a positive birth without Jun-Nicole, but I will say I wouldn’t do it any other way. First of all, Jun-Nicole knows just about everybody in the clinic — and more importantly, they all know her. She had a rapport with them that we never could, and it was obvious that she had their respect, and that they were peers who have worked together during numerous births.</p> <p>When Jun-Nicole joined us in our birthing room at the clinic she talked to the midwives and nurses, and quickly ran down our <em>birth wishes</em> from a folder that she then handed over to them. The hospital staff were instantly on the same page with us even though Liz and I were quite occupied with contractions and anticipation. I can’t imagine either of us would have had a lot of patience for answering questions and discussing anything with anyone at that point, so having the majority of it be taken care of so quickly and without our direct involvement at that moment was great.</p> <h2 id="movin-it-doin-it">Movin’ it, doin’ it</h2> <p>During the labor and birth, everyone had a job to do and each person got to work on the things they were the best at. We turned to Jun-Nicole for movement, support, and to set the pace and tone; and the monitoring and medical care was administered by the midwives and nurses. In retrospect it was pretty remarkable how well the wheels turned. I believe that without Jun-Nicole in the room we would have been drifting and alarmed at each transition and felt considerable pressure to perform, which would have made for a very tense labor and delivery. The midwife who delivered our daughter was excellent, but she was in and out of the room during the long labor, and with Jun-Nicole there <strong>we were never alone or lost</strong>.</p> <p>When we were working with Jun-Nicole a couple of months prior to the birth, learning the birth movement exercises seemed a little silly to me. It was hard to imagine the way it would all eventually come together.</p> <p>Similarly, the movements and exercises we learned in our <a href="http://www.icmindfulbirthing.com/" title="Iowa City Mindful Birthing">Mindful Birthing class</a><sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote">2</a></sup> also felt awkward at first—in both cases we had to trust that practicing the choreography would give us enough familiarity and comfort with the movements later, when it counted. Working with Jun-Nicole and taking the Mindful Birthing course wasn’t at all a duplication of efforts: what we learned from Jun-Nicole reinforced, complemented, and furthered what we learned in the course, and in the birthing room it was invaluable having someone there to spot us and make adjustments to our form while we moved, stretched, and facilitated our daughter’s eventual arrival into the world of bright lights and <em>very</em> emotional parents.</p> <h3 id="our-daughter-couldnt-wait">Our daughter couldn’t wait</h3> <p>Liz went into labor a couple of weeks early, and over the course of a day she wanted to labor at home as long as possible; not only so she could continue grading her students’ finals and I could put together our daughter’s play-yard but because Liz was more comfortable that way. We both felt confident staying at home through early labor with a doula on-call!</p> <p>When Liz talked to Jun-Nicole on the phone for a status report Saturday afternoon, Jun-Nicole recommended we use a “sifting” technique to reposition the baby and relieve some pressure from Liz’s lower back. It worked, and suddenly some of the other movements were useful as well. We walked laps around our neighborhood, stopping regularly and somewhat unpredictably for Liz to lean on me during contractions. The exercises using a scarf were especially useful for movements to and from standing positions, and for helping me to support and assist Liz. We used these same movements and exercises regularly throughout labor, and being able to do them easily and maintain my presence in the moment without analyzing everything I was doing was very liberating. I had never seen a human birth in person before, but I felt confident and sure-footed, even while I was also often bewildered by the awesome spectacle of it all.</p> <p>Laboring at home worked very well for us. Liz and I worked together up until the early morning of Mother’s Day, May 13th, 2012.</p> <h2 id="mothers-day">Mother’s Day</h2> <figure class="half"> <img src="/assets/images/2013/09/03/Birthings-S0170091-20120513-S0170091-738.jpg" /> <img src="/assets/images/2013/09/03/Birthings-S0280112-20120513-S0280112-737.jpg" /> <figcaption>Jun-Nicole working with Liz, and me holding our daughter for the first time May 13, 2012.</figcaption> </figure> <p>Having someone as experienced and confident as Jun-Nicole was an essential part of our birth. Even now over a year later I still think of Jun-Nicole as a source of strength for Liz and me; she could quietly fade into the shadows only to appear when needed. Whether she was in my peripheral vision, right beside us, or letting me take a quick nap, I knew we had someone protecting us and looking out for us.</p> <p>Jun-Nicole is gifted in reading the room and knowing the right approach to take. I was petrified of not being active enough in the birth, and in hindsight having a doula to coach us through it took a lot of pressure off of me, and took away so much of my fear and anxiety. It made it so much easier for me to be an anchor for my wife; maintaining our footing together and staying in-step was simpler because of her presence.</p> <p>Now when I think about that day, I see myself differently from how I had before. I had a new confidence and was a source of strength for my wife and daughter. Immediately following the birth there was a small complication and Jun-Nicole was the only person in the room who could explain what was happening to me without being clinical about it all, and she kept me on my feet instead of heading into a panic. I was able to enjoy those moments with my minutes-old daughter because I trusted Jun-Nicole’s assessment of Liz’s condition. I know with certainty I would have had a very different experience without Jun-Nicole’s training, guardianship, and advocacy on our behalf.</p> <p>If we ever catch up on sleep and forget how exhausting our daughter can be, it’s possible we’ll want to do it all again. Should that day come, I would love to have Jun-Nicole beside us. There was a time when I was reluctant to have a doula, but now I would be apprehensive without one, and especially without Jun-Nicole! She missed her own Mother’s Day so we could celebrate our first. Over the years to come, not a single Mother’s Day will go by that we don’t think of her and her family.</p> <h1 id="afterward">Afterward</h1> <p>I would recommend Jun-Nicole without hesitation as a doula, <em>especially</em> to people who are a little high-strung like myself. Her calming influence and the still confidence that radiates from her create a powerful aura that can quiet me at my most manic, and that’s not a trivial task.</p> <p>She was exceptional at learning how Liz and I worked together, what we needed and when we needed it. Her instincts and intuition are fantastic tools and as a doula everything she does seems completely natural and effortless.</p> <div class="footnotes"> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>One notable exception is that the pediatrics doctors are absolutely adamant that there are to be no water births; another is that intermittent fetal monitoring happened more often than Liz was pleased about. <a href="#fnref:1" class="reversefootnote">↩</a></p> </li> <li id="fn:2"> <p>We really enjoyed our class on Mindful Birthing, and thought <a href="http://www.mapleseedbirth.com/about.html" title="all about Monica Basile">Monica Basile</a> was an excellent instructor. She’s another beloved Iowa City doula, and attends home births in addition to hospital births. Her practice has an informative homepage; <a href="http://www.mapleseedbirth.com/" title="Mapleseed Birth Services">Mapleseed Birth Services</a>. <a href="#fnref:2" class="reversefootnote">↩</a></p> </li> </ol> </div> <p><a href="https://incumbent.org/post/our-bamboula/" rel="nofollow">Our Family's Bamboula</a> was originally published by <a href="https://incumbent.org/about/" rel="nofollow"></a> on <a href="https://incumbent.org" rel="nofollow">incumbent</a></p> Having a doula makes for much better birthing of babies.The Port2013-07-21T00:00:00-05:002013-07-21T00:00:00-05:00https://incumbent.org/post/the-port <p>When I look back at my career I’ve worked on some exceptional teams with some exceptional people. There are a lot of nice things I could say about any number of them, but today I want to write about one in particular, polymath and renaissance man; and his name is Bob Antia.</p> <h2 id="working-with-bob">Working with Bob</h2> <p>Bob not only has a wealth of knowledge and experience in a wide variety of topics; he’s an exceptionally gifted mentor and communicator that always been very generous with his time. He’s just naturally great at relating to me and honestly I don’t know it’s always that effortless for him or if he’s <strong>just that Good at Me</strong>, but each time I talk to the man I feel like I’ve learned something and I feel inspired to <em>Do Something With It</em>. No small feat!</p> <p>I worked with Bob at Guardent building a managed security services offering that was later acquired by VeriSign. The few years I worked with him were among my favorites, and he’s one of the few people that has successfully negotiated with Ma Bell and choreographed a <em>knife-switch</em> architecture move that involved three separate datacenters. The guy is pro.</p> <h2 id="bob-may-know-something-about-port">Bob May Know Something About Port</h2> <p>One of the things he’s known for is <a href="http://magazine.wsj.com/hunter/great-vintage/call-of-port/">a rather exceptional collection of port</a>. There was a Sunday my wife<sup id="fnref:exwife"><a href="#fn:exwife" class="footnote">1</a></sup> came into the house after running an errand and asked about him after hearing <a href="https://soundcloud.com/thesplendidtable/bob-antia-on-collecting-port">a Bob Antia on NPR’s The Splendid Table</a> to discuss that very topic; <em>surely that wasn’t the same Bob Antia but how many could there be, right?</em></p> <p>When I emailed him to say she heard him the radio we traded some emails back and forth and I made a mental note of one offer in particular:</p> <blockquote> <p>If you find yourself in the Boston area there is always an opportunity for a port tasting!</p> </blockquote> <p>Port is one of those things I don’t really know much of anything about<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote">2</a></sup>. My BFF Eric is a big fan though, and the few times I had tried a port it was one he poured me. I thought it would be great to find a time when we were both in Boston and could get a peek through Bob’s port collection and also get a chance to introduce two of my favorite people to each other — there is considerable cross-over not only from their love of port but professionally as well.</p> <h2 id="boston-calling">Boston Calling</h2> <p>When another long-time friend invited us out to Boston for a June wedding, I finally had a window of opportunity! As close friends and family will no doubt find completely predictable, I had unfortunately waited until too late to let him know I was in town <sup id="fnref:excuses"><a href="#fn:excuses" class="footnote">3</a></sup>, and he happened to be leaving on a trip with his family soon and we couldn’t get our schedules ironed out, but he did something equally amazing for me and offered to bring something by that I may enjoy.</p> <figure> <a href="/assets/images/p/port/port-heybob-400x300.jpg"><img src="/assets/images/p/port/port-heybob-400x300.jpg" alt="hey, bob" /></a> <figcaption>Curbside Delivery</figcaption> </figure> <p>Bob soon rolled by with one of his kids riding shotgun and dropped off a bottle of Dow’s 1977 vintage port, scolded me for tipping the bottle and drove off into the sunset leaving me with a bottle of port as old as I was. He says a common practice is to survey the people you’re sharing a bottle with on which has aged better — I can say with certainty that I’m going with the bottle, but like he says, “there’s always next year!”</p> <p>A couple of nights later my wife and I met up with my BFF Eric and his special lady Clare for dinner at a tapas restaurant in the South End, and I proudly presented the bottle to my friend; not sure when I’d ever get to taste it because I had been informed at length mere hours earlier by an expert in such things that there is some effort that goes into having a bottle of vintage port. You can’t just open it up, put it in a paper bag and start sipping; it needs to be decanted for a few hours, and there is sediment in the bottle that needs to be removed (unless you want it in your glass).</p> <p>My BFF is resourceful, and clearly very interested in drinking this bottle of port as soon as possible. The next day, I started getting iMessage photos from Clare that featured their hotel room with a contraption that was, <em>obviously</em>, <strong>the new decanter Eric bought at William Sonoma that afternoon.</strong> We weren’t sure about all the details yet, but we absolutely drove to the wedding with a decanter full of vintage port between Eric’s feet.</p> <figure class="third"> <a href="/assets/images/p/port/port-cork-400x300.jpg"><img src="/assets/images/p/port/port-cork-400x300.jpg" alt="cork" /></a> <a href="/assets/images/p/port/port-tabletop-400x300.jpg"><img src="/assets/images/p/port/port-tabletop-400x300.jpg" alt="tabletop decanting" /></a> <a href="/assets/images/p/port/port-decant-400x300.jpg"><img src="/assets/images/p/port/port-decant-400x300.jpg" alt="up close decanter" /></a> <figcaption>a delightful surprise!</figcaption> </figure> <h2 id="lapping-luxury">Lapping Luxury</h2> <p>When we did eventually get to the port it was truly a wonderful experience; my wife said it reminded her of savoring a piece of chocolate and that was a fantastic observation. It was rich, luxurious, spicy and sweet all at once. A hint of licorice, berries, and herbs with the seductive deep plum-like red coloring, it has some weight to it while it’s in your mouth. It almost seems to have an unexpected viscosity to it when you feel it on your tongue.</p> <p>I was driving us back to the city; so I didn’t have more than a glass of it, but the experience of drinking it was a true thrill; <strong><em>an exceptional bottle shared with equally exceptional people that I love dearly</em></strong>. I owe that moment to Bob and his generous heart, as much the friends I shared it with, and hope that I can get that tour through his cellar and continue to learn more about port and anything else he is kind enough to share with me.</p> <p>:wine_glass:</p> <div class="footnotes"> <ol> <li id="fn:exwife"> <p>No longer my wife, as of January 17, 2018. <a href="#fnref:exwife" class="reversefootnote">↩</a></p> </li> <li id="fn:1"> <p>I love learning about anything that has nuance and sophistication to it, which is probably a contributing factor to my love of single-malt scotch. <a href="#fnref:1" class="reversefootnote">↩</a></p> </li> <li id="fn:excuses"> <p>For what it’s worth I also didn’t bother to contact anyone in Boston until I got there and got settled in our apartment we rented for a week because I’m just that horrible! <a href="#fnref:excuses" class="reversefootnote">↩</a></p> </li> </ol> </div> <p><a href="https://incumbent.org/post/the-port/" rel="nofollow">The Port</a> was originally published by <a href="https://incumbent.org/about/" rel="nofollow"></a> on <a href="https://incumbent.org" rel="nofollow">incumbent</a></p> In which I open a bottle of port as old as I am.Remembering my Grandfather2013-05-09T00:00:00-05:002017-07-01T00:00:00-05:00https://incumbent.org/post/remembering-my-grandfather <p class="notice--info">It was almost a year ago that I had a days-old newborn baby and her mother at home, and still hadn’t really processed the death of my grandfather the day before her birth. She was a couple of weeks early upon arrival; a timely reminder of the way we are born, take our first breath of air, only to learn that someday we’ll take our last. Her arrival was a very welcome diversion from the hard work of mourning. — <cite>Emory, on 2013-05-09</cite></p> <h1 id="paul-lundbergs-home-for-wayward-hogs">Paul Lundberg’s Home for Wayward Hogs</h1> <h2 id="from-the-rear-view-mirror">From the Rear-View Mirror</h2> <p>I don’t remember much of that caffeine and Adderall-fueled drive. I had just seen him what seemed like a few short weeks before in hospice, where he was under the excellent care of the men and women who have one of the most difficult careers I can possibly imagine. My wife and I visited him, my grandmother, and one of my cousins. Other people came to visit him while we were there; other people of his generation. Mostly the old women that always confused me for one of his three sons. I held his hand and showed him pictures on my iPad, and he’d squeeze my hand, I’d squeeze back, and mostly he just listened to all of us fuss over him lying in his bed with a smirk on his face and it was often hard to hear him when he spoke. He looked <em>thirsty</em>, and tired.</p> <p>There was a time when we were briefly alone and like a lot of times alone with my grandfather, we didn’t exchange many words. I could tell he was frustrated to be in his current state, being confined or limited wasn’t something he tolerated very well. A lifetime spent up before dawn and working on his farm and making pancakes for his grandkids on Saturday mornings only to get back on his combine or tractor or pickup truck. He was a man who had responsibilities and obligations. People relied on him and he was absolutely reliable.</p> <p>“Are you OK?” I asked. It was a stupid question, and I felt embarassed for even asking. He shifted in his bed, pillows strategically stuffed under limbs. He squeezed my hand and closed his eyes. He whispered something that I couldn’t hear clearly. My grandfather wasn’t someone who showed a lot of emotion, and I don’t think I ever saw him shed a tear his entire life. He only raised his voice at me once that I can recall. Every time I imagine his face, he is looking serious reading a newspaper, smiling, or laughing.</p> <h2 id="memorial">Memorial</h2> <p>I was alone for the drive to his funeral, one moment I was perfectly fine and the next I’d be yelling and crying. I was running late, and would arrive at the funeral moments before the service started, joining my family after walking past aisles of people, most of whom I knew by face if not by name. My grandparents lived in a small town in Iowa, and they have lived there a long time.</p> <p>During the service people spoke about my grandfather. My father euologized him in a way that I think he would have appreciated and my aunts, uncles, and grandmother laughed, cried, and whispered comforting things to one another along with my sisters and cousins. One thing that kept coming into my head while hearing people talk about him was that my grandfather was a different man for different people.</p> <p>For example, I never thought of my grandfather as an especially pious man, but the pastor of their church spoke at length about his faith in a way that I couldn’t appreciate fully because that wasn’t something he ever expressed to me. Part of me was a little irritated by this, and I couldn’t help myself from feeling like this was a not-too-subtle manipulation of a flock by its’ shepard; yet another part of me knew that so many of the people around me shared that and would find comfort in it even if I didn’t know that part of my grandfather very well.</p> <p>My step-mother sang, her voice was comforting and reminded me of my childhood, bringing me back to a time where we lived in a neighboring town. She was often at her piano, playing a song and rehearsing her song for that day’s service while lying on the floor in the living room, watching tiny airborne motes of dust drift between beams of sunlight coming in through the window. I was always excited to see my grandparents, even if it meant going to church and sitting in the pews quietly. <sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote">1</a></sup></p> <p>While walking out of the service, my shoulders tense, with the folded bulletin chronicling his life of service in my hands, I started wondering about my grandfather and how our lives are reflected in the people around us differently. His was the curious and studious mind of a farmer, Marine, husband, father, and grandfather, and <em>I think it’s possible that the parts of himself that he expressed to all of us were harmonized by our own tuning forks. Our antennas that we keep carefully calibrated for one another will never get the same broadcast as another person.</em> <strong><em>Our eyes and ears and our very atoms reflect some of the signal away and absorb the rest.</em></strong></p> <h2 id="sometimes-theres-a-man">Sometimes, there’s a man</h2> <p>I never knew my Grampa when he was a younger man. I only knew him as my Grampa Lundberg, and my birth was when he received that designation. So, much like my daughter is shaping me into a father, I feel like my relationship with him may have carried some changes in him; while I grew up and he grew old.</p> <figure> <img src="/assets/images/2013/05/me-and-grampa-640x360.jpg" /> <figcaption>Meeting my Grampa, 1977</figcaption> </figure> <p>Over the years of my life there are a lot things about my grandfather that I think are not unique to me. If I do think of him as a different man to different people, there was a common theme to all of them — common qualities and a compass that directed him throughout his life.</p> <p>When I think about my Grampa, and these common qualities, I am always first reminded that he was respectful and courteous. I don’t know that I ever heard him speak ill of anyone, and he seemed always willing to give someone a chance when he had reason not to. I never knew him to get involved in things where he wasn’t wanted, and he was a very honorable man with the highest integrity. I don’t know that he ever told a lie, and like many people of his generation it’s possible that and not speaking ill he would rather not say anything at all.</p> <p>Cautious and conscientious, he told me that his first speeding ticket was when he was in his fifties.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote">2</a></sup> There was a time when I rode back to Iowa from Minnesota with him, my grandmother, and one of my aunts during a snow storm, and a car behind us slid into the rear bumper of his Crown Victoria. The light impact sent the rear of the car out from under us, and we spun in one or two circles as I watched the world rotate around me in the window of the back seat. He regained control of the car, my grandmother was asking us if we were all alright, and my grandfather pulled onto the shoulder of Interstate 35 and calmly got out to talk to the other driver. I don’t remember him saying a single word during the incident and just thought my grandfather was so cool and under control. It could have been a terrible thing; an accident on an interstate highway in the winter at night. His confidence and calm quieted me, I wasn’t scared even when I was certain we were headed for a ditch or an oncoming car.</p> <p>He was a modest man. I think in the 35 years I knew him he owned three cars and two different trucks. One of my favorite memories of him is when he got his second truck, a small Ford Ranger pickup. When he bought the truck it had a pinstripe and the words “sport” on the side, and that week he removed the stripe and the “sport” decal from the door, and with a smirk on his face, telling me that he “<em>didn’t want people to think he was showing off.</em>” <sup id="fnref:3"><a href="#fn:3" class="footnote">3</a></sup></p> <p>My father is a stock broker, and works inside of that layer of abstraction with goods and services using shares of companies, financial instruments, and funds in a way that I don’t really understand at all. One thing I did learn very early however was the value of livestock and the direct relationships of a bushel of corn or an animal to his business. He was about as close to the market as you can get as far as I’m concerned; my entire career is spent in a non-physical world where my contributions or achievements aren’t measured in the same way. When I have a long day at work, it’s usually from talking to people, drawing pictures, and pushing buttons to move characters on screens and inside of databases.</p> <p>The only time I remember my grandfather being cross with me, cross enough to raise his voice, was one winter when I was five or six years old. I walked with him to where the hogs were being kept on the farm, and he hopped the fence to feed them, and I made a loud noise or something and I startled one of the giant beasts. My shenanigans were unexpected and they moved too quickly to get away from the screetching boy, and slipped and fell on some ice.</p> <p>My Grampa was visibly upset, and hollored at me to step back from the fence. He walked across the ice in his big rubber boots and lifted that big animal up onto its feet and made sure that there were no injuries. “A pig with a broken leg doesn’t do me much good,” and I remember apologizing and being scared for the pig. Over the years I’d hold a lot of piglets in my arms, even bottle fed a couple. I knew they weren’t pets, but that was the first time I think that I put it together that the reason they were on the farm wasn’t because of a foster program to give the grandfathers of the world a fun hobby. It was business.</p> <p>Waking up to the smell of bacon and pancakes on Saturday mornings further drove the point home, a nearly one-to-one relationship. He made fantastic pancakes — as a boy I remember thinking they were huge but it’s entirely possible they weren’t extraordinarily large, but when I remember them they were the size of the plate they were served on, and there was also french toast. I didn’t really understand french toast; the first time I made some with him I did it by putting a slice of bread in the microwave and then covering it with maple syrup. My grandmother defended my creation when others scoffed, my Grampa laughed and told me that it <em>kind of</em> looked like french toast. I made amends by making him proper french toast nearly 30 years later, with turkey bacon because his doctors didn’t want him to have too much sodium. I had half a mind to enable him in a rebellion against the tyranny of modern medicine by giving him the good stuff, but couldn’t handle the prospect of my grandmother finding out.</p> <div id="content" class="page-content"> <figure class="half"> <a href="/assets/images/2013/05/paul-halfmast.jpg" class="fancybox" rel="gallery"><img src="/assets/images/2013/05/paul-halfmast-sm.jpg" /></a> <a href="/assets/images/2013/05/paul-asgrow.jpg" class="fancybox" rel="gallery"><img src="/assets/images/2013/05/paul-asgrow-sm.jpg" /></a> </figure> </div> <p>He was almost always reading. He loved old war movies like <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0045082/" title="Retreat, Hell!">Retreat Hell</a>, and watching <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0047736/" title="Gunsmoke">Gunsmoke</a>. He was a very conservative and self-reliant man, and was always willing to hear an opposing point of view. He would sometimes playfully dispute an opposing claim, but he would just as often listen and quietly consider what you had to say. It’s possible that he still disagreed, but he often opted to keep it to himself and not belabor the point.</p> <p>I loved my Grampa, and though I left his funeral wondering if the Paul I knew was the same man everybody else had known, I knew without a doubt that I admired him, respected him, loved him, and that he was a good man. One of the <em>very</em> best.</p> <div class="notice-info"> <p>You can give money to help other families pay for hospice care for their loved ones and to help support the staff that work there through Employee Relief programs and scholarship awards for nursing students; my grandfather was at <a href="http://www.mercydesmoines.org/comm_resources/hospice_gift.cfm" title="Mercy Hospice Donations">Mercy Hospice in Johnston</a> and I can’t say enough nice things about the people who work there. If you have been fortunate enough to have a hospice facility care for a loved one, consider showing them some support.</p> </div> <div class="footnotes"> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>As if I could ever sit anywhere quietly. <a href="#fnref:1" class="reversefootnote">↩</a></p> </li> <li id="fn:2"> <p>I believe him, he usually had my Grandmother telling him to slow down even if he sent the needle one notch above the speed limit. <a href="#fnref:2" class="reversefootnote">↩</a></p> </li> <li id="fn:3"> <p>He was also fond of getting down on his knees in the middle of a field for passing drivers to gawk at just how tall his corn or soybeans were, so you can see he was modest, but not to a fault. <a href="#fnref:3" class="reversefootnote">↩</a></p> </li> </ol> </div> <p><a href="https://incumbent.org/post/remembering-my-grandfather/" rel="nofollow">Remembering my Grandfather</a> was originally published by <a href="https://incumbent.org/about/" rel="nofollow"></a> on <a href="https://incumbent.org" rel="nofollow">incumbent</a></p> He was a man who had responsibilities and obligations. People relied on him, and he was absolutely reliable.Shut up, George Lucas2012-02-12T00:00:00-06:002017-07-01T00:00:00-05:00https://incumbent.org/post/shutup-george-lucas <blockquote> <p><a href="http://entertainment.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/10/10372867-george-lucas-greedo-always-shot-first">Despite the fact that millions of people saw the scene in theaters and no one ever had any doubt about what happened, Lucas is now saying that Greedo always shot first, and his edits were just making that more obvious.</a></p> </blockquote> <p>I don’t know a thing about film and like anything else I run off at the mouth about, I have no formal education in the study of film or entertainment in general. I just have first-hand experience as a kid growing up in America with Star Wars in the theater before George Lucas started suffering from some sort of dementia. This experience reinforces the knowledge that the original series is awesome and that the newly re-mastered versions suck.</p> <p>Every time there is an interview with George Lucas where he talks about how the changes he’s made to the Star Wars films, he inevitably goes on to explain that these changes are made simply to make his original intent clear, or to present them as the films that he <strong>intended</strong> to make in the first place. There were time constraints, budget constraints, studio and personell issues that hobbled Lucas, and limited his ability to make the films he wanted to make.</p> <p>This is why he has to release new versions of these movies every few years. This is why he is doing things like adding absurd musical numbers, changing the very personality and behavior of characters, and any number of other bizarre manipulations of one of the greatest stories every created. He was held back, and unable to do things the way he really wanted to.</p> <p>The only conclusion I can come to is that George Lucas is a bad director. These limitations and outside forces that were making him make compromises? They were some of the best influences on these films, influences that are no longer working against Lucas now. He’s too powerful a figure now, often I imagine him surrounded by a robed Jedi Counsel of sycophants and film school graduates who spend their days soothing him and reminding him of what a genius he is for coming up with Jar Jar Binks.</p> <p>In the original film, Greedo didn’t <em>shoot first</em>. Greedo didn’t even <em>shoot</em>. He was clearly going to, and that’s why Han had to beat him to it. Cornered by a bounty hunter in the corner of the cantina, there was no way out for Han that didn’t involve stepping over Greedo’s dead body. The mere fact that Lucas claims this is somehow a mistake that we’re making as an audience is malarky. I don’t know why he feels like he has to change Han Solo from a scoundrel space-faring rogue that uses his wits and his blaster to get himself out of trouble into a pacifist who uses violence only in retaliation.</p> <p>It’s even in the script that way. The one that Lucas wrote.</p> <div class="highlighter-rouge"><pre class="highlight"><code>--- GREEDO: That's the idea. I've been looking forward to killing you for a long time. --- HAN: Yes, I'll bet you have. --- Suddenly the slimy alien disappears in a blinding flash of light. Han pulls his smoking gun from be- neath the table as the other patron look on in be- mused amazement. Han gets up and starts out of the cantina, flipping the bartender some coins as he leaves. --- HAN: Sorry about the mess. --- </code></pre> </div> <h2 id="sorry-about-the-mess">SORRY ABOUT THE MESS</h2> <p>That’s not the only time he was a bad-ass, either. Han didn’t hesitate for a split second when the doors opened in Cloud City and <strong><em>Vader</em></strong> was waiting for him. While everyone stood around looking scared, Han already had his blaster out and fired half a dozen shots before Vader could even use the force to pull it out of his hands. Even a seasoned bounty hunter like Boba Fett knew to wait in the wings until Vader had it all under control and revealed himself. Maybe because Boba Fett knew that Han didn’t take kindly to threats of capture from bounty hunters who are going to deliver him to Jabba, the only person more dangerous to Han Solo than George Lucas.</p> <p><img src="/assets/images/h/Han-Vader.gif" alt="Han throwing down on Darth Fucking Vader" /></p> <p>Now tell me this: is this a man who waits for Greedo to shoot first?</p> <p>Han Solo shoots first because Han Solo is <em>gangsta’</em>. This doesn’t make him a murderer or sociopath, he’s not one-dimensional. He may be best represented by shades of grey, but that doesn’t make him evil. It makes him complex. A complex and heroic figure showing the audience that the world isn’t black and white. Can you imagine what would happen if you took this same treatment to other movies, and gaslighted John McClane into a security guard at Nokatomi Plaza?</p> <p>Ultimately, Lucas hasn’t directed anything other than “A New Hope” that was any good. And hilariously enough, he continues to give interviews telling us that he didn’t intend for it to be good, by virtue of him not being able to make it the way he wanted until now. He’s written and produced a lot of things I really like a lot, but at this point I think it’s time everyone consider him an unfit steward over these films.</p> <p><a href="https://incumbent.org/post/shutup-george-lucas/" rel="nofollow">Shut up, George Lucas</a> was originally published by <a href="https://incumbent.org/about/" rel="nofollow"></a> on <a href="https://incumbent.org" rel="nofollow">incumbent</a></p> George Lucas has never directed a great movie on purpose.